Everything is wrong with me
Tuesday, April 27, 2004
Is there any lower form of existence than the person who takes the elevator up ONE floor?

I'm not talking about the elderly or infirm, because I'm ok with them doing it (most of the time).

I'm talking about the able-bodied person who gets in the elevator that serves twelve floors of a forty story building and goes up one floor.

Every time this happens, I let out an audible "ugh" of disgust, hoping that it's overheard, hoping then that the dude says, "What? You have a problem with me taking the elevator one floor?" and I say, "Yeah, I do - bitch" and he says, "Well, are you gonna stand there looking like you'd suck dick for a pork chop or are you gonna do something about it, fat ass?" and I say, "Well, how about I do a little of this!" as I drive my open palm into his chest, karate-style, and he falls backward, gasping for air, to the delight of everyone else in the elevator because they're also pissed at him for taking it up one floor. And then the elevator door opens, and I say, "This is your stop" and throw him out, and everyone else cheers and gets off except for three sexy college co-eds, all named Starla, who happen to be interning here, and they pull me back in the elevator and hit the "stop" button, and proceed to give me the fiercest most glorious handjobs the world has ever known for the next three and a half hours, only breaking temporarily when my heart stops beating, but fortunately one of the Starla's is an EMT and she is able to easily revive me, and the handjobs continue until I say, "Ladies - we need to stop this!" and they say, in unison, "Why baby?" and I say, "Because I'm hungry!" and then we go get giant plates of chicken parm and spaghetti and have pint glass after pint glass of chocolate milk, and then we all go home and pass out naked on the couch in front of the TV, which is playing Sportscenter and showing how my fantasy baseball team had an awesome day.


Anyway, don't take the elevator up one flight. It's very rude. Just walk it.

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