Everything is wrong with me
Tuesday, April 13, 2004
the butt of all jokes
Like I mentioned, I went home to Philly this weekend. I love going home, because it gives me an opportunity to over-eat, drink a ton, and get high a lot - you know, change it up a bit.

This particular trip home was no different. On Friday night, I went out with my two buddies, Will and Ernie. Early in the night, Will said that he'd won a lot of money gambling recently, and he was going to buy all the drinks. I was very happy with this. The only catch was that he didn't feel like going up to the bar all the time, and that I would have to buy them. No problem.

Before I go any further, I should tell you a little about where I grew up. It's in Philly, South Philly, near the sports complexes and definitely an urban, neighborhoody area. Many of my friends are gambling addicts, and many of them are within one or two degrees of separation of some sort of organized crime (am I going to get murdered for saying this?). It wouldn't be very hard for me to say, get a $10,000 loan in cash in a day if I really needed to.

So back to our night of drinking...we're all having a good time and getting bombed. I'm listening to Ernie and Will, who were all decked out and gelled up, arguing about who looks more like Clay Aiken (they went so far as to ask numerous bar patrons about this - there was no consensus pick). But the whole time we're out, they're telling me, "Jay, we're gonna tell you something that you've been doing all night without realizing it, and it's gonna blow your mind." Knowing these guys are big time ballbusters, I didn't think much of it. But they kept saying it and cracking up, so it eventually got to me.

We were getting a ride to another bar from my friend Kyle when they started breaking them for me again, and I convinced them to tell me what was so funny with the line, "Don't you want to tell me in front of Kyle, so he can be in on the joke?" So Will calmly says, "Alright, alright. You see those $20 bills I've been giving you all night to buy drinks with? Well...they're counterfeit!"

They thought this was hilarious. Apparently, the new thing in my neighborhood is counterfeit money, which is relatively easy to get and looks very real. I hadn't noticed any difference, and I used three fake $20 bills.

I admit - it's a little bit funny. But you know what else is funny? People falling down. Racist jokes. Meeting people in internet chat rooms and telling them you're Tom Selleck and getting them to agree to meet you at the Red Roof Inn for some sex, but then when they find out you're not Tom Selleck it's too late so you and your friend Stolichnaya convince them to have sex with you anyway.

(Sorry - that last one is fun, not funny)

You know what is not funny? Committing a crime against the federal government. Committing a crime against another person is fine, but the government? What the fuck?

Needless to say, if I owe you money, you can be expected to be paid back shortly. You might wanna give those bills a once-over though.

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