Everything is wrong with me
Wednesday, March 17, 2004
two things
1) For women who want to know what guys talk about when they’re hanging out, my roommate Ben and I had this exchange last night while watching “American Idol.”

Ben: “Can you imagine sleeping with an 18-year-old?”
Me: “God, that would be awesome.”
[wishful silence]

Just FYI.

2) [more on St. Patrick's Day later, but just a lil' nugget for now]

About a week and a half ago, I went out and met Brian, who was out with some of his co-workers. There were three of them, Marie, Steph, and Edgar. Marie and Steph were both cute girls who exuded that “I’m from Connecticut and grew up in a very sheltered environment” vibe, whereas Edgar reminded me a lot of myself: a total scumbag, who was secretly trying to bang both Marie and Steph, preferably at the same time.

We started talking about past St. Patty’s Days, and Marie said, “Oh my god, on St. Patrick’s Day two years ago, my girlfriends and I went out and got so drunk, my girlfriend Angela threw up on the subway ride home!”

I fought back the urge to say, “Wow, you girls should really be locked up – that’s so crazy! Someone got drunk and threw up? Holy fucking shit! Call CNN!”

Edgar was not to be out-done. I could see in his face that before Marie even finished his story, he was formulating his own to both top hers and impress both her and Steph. So he said, “That’s nothing. On St. Patrick’s Day last year, my buddies and I went out and we went to a bar and there were two people next to us having sex – right there in the bar!”

I rolled my eyes at this one. You could tell that he was just saying this to impress them, and they were indeed delighted. Being a little drunk and a little surly, I decided to tell my own St. Patty’s Day story: “Oh yeah? Well, check this out. St. Patty’s Day, 1994. I am so fucked up on whiskey and pills I wind up hooking up with my brother! My fucking brother! In front of everyone! And we haven’t spoken since!”

While I expected them to be shocked and disgusted, I didn’t think they’d be that shocked and disgusted. I mean, they really freaked out. Steph got up and headed for the bathroom to escape the uncomfortableness, and then Edgar turned to me and said, in a manner as if offering his condolences, “Not cool bro. Not cool.” Marie just sat there with her mouth open, looking quickly back and forth between Brian and Edgar.

And of course, Brian was cracking up, as I maintained a straight face and said things like, “Yeah – do you believe it? Unbelievable. I couldn’t believe it either.”

The lesson: please don’t try to impress girls in front of me when I am drunk, surly, and lonely. Because I’ll just tell a story about how I made out with my brother, and it will totally bust your groove.

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