Everything is wrong with me
Friday, March 12, 2004
Because I've been doing this for about a month, and more so because I'm rapidly starting to run out of things to talk about, I figured it was time to reply to some of the emails that you all have sent me.

Like I said, some have been nice.

Others have not.

Those emails that are not nice usually take umbrage with my position or thoughts on an issue. For example, when I wrote that I liked lip gloss (on women, not on me - see 3/8), MS (all initials are completely made up), a woman, wrote, "Please tell me that that is a joke. It makes women look like they have spent a little too long at the fried chicken trough." You know, I've never thought about this, and I have to admit - I'm even more turned on. For my money, there's nothing sexier than a woman with a big-ass bucket of KFC in her lap, gnawing away like a fucking caveman, sitting in a lawn chair in a parking lot, wearing only a pair of jeans and white ankle socks. Now THAT is fucking sexy my friends. As a matter of fact, I'll be right back.


Ok anywho, so another writer, TR, wrote about my "Average Joe" (3/2) bit:

"I'm pissed that you seemed to talk shit about Larissa. She was very hot, and very sensitive to all of those loser's [sic] feelings. Don't get me wrong - I have nothing against average men - but when you have guys talking about how they are in love with you after hanging out with you for about 15 minutes - that is freaky. How about Tony, who just wouldn't let up about the 'painting', and Brian telling her that he loved her??!! You think he would have realized that after all those kisses (pity kisses), he never even got the tounge [sic] once."

These are all valid points, TR. My three thoughts:

1) So you're saying it's not a good thing to tell a woman that you love her after meeting her for fifteen minutes? Because if that's the case, I missed the boat entirely on that one.

2) I love how you equate getting tongue ("the tongue", no less) with love, or at least genuine affection. That's very romantic of you.

3) The problem with the whole response is that once, a long time ago, when TR was very, very drunk and very, very desperate - she made out with me. So, obviously, something is seriously wrong with her, and anything she says/writes/does must immediately be dismissed as the ramblings of a crazy person. However, if she would like to make out again, I'd like to point out that I have lost some weight since and I'm making a lot more money nowadays. However, I am still incapable of any emotions (save for lust and hunger) and I remain "unschooled in the ways of the woman", which at this point, I don't think will ever change. But anyway, if interested, my email address is in the box on the upper right of the page. I look forward to hearing from you.

And finally, what the fuck? I make one comment about beating off in the shower (3/10), and all of a sudden it's like I'm sleeping over Osama bin Laden's place every other Saturday night or selling crank at my local Catholic elementary school. Good LORD - call your dogs off already! If I had known it would have drawn such ire ("Gross dude. Gross" and "Way too far" and even, from a particularly Puritanical reader, "The most disgusting thing I've ever read", etc), I wouldn't have written it. Maybe I'll start writing about my "Top Five Favorite Disney Films" or how much I love cotton candy. Jesus Christ.

Anyway, have a good weekend, and do something stupid.

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