Everything is wrong with me
Tuesday, March 02, 2004
"Average Joe" - A Farewell
I think I can say for certain that "Average Joe" has changed my life. However, I don't think it has changed me as much as it has changed the lives of three other people: Larissa, Brian, and Fabio.

First, Larissa. Sure, the producers probably have three hundred hours of footage for every one hour show, but she really didn't come off very well. Of course, they left no doubt that she was going to choose Gil (who, by the way, has about as much personality as the last good looking guy and seems to be still in love with his ex). Showing eight minutes of her date with Gil and thirty minutes of her date with Brian pretty much sealed his fate. Brian says, "I've never felt these feelings before" and Larissa cries. Gil says, "I want to be an actor" and Larissa picks him. Here's hoping a lot of behind-the-scenes stuff went on that we didn't see that showed some kind of connection between she and Gil, because otherwise, well, I don't even want to think about it.

Second, Brian. I think he held up pretty well, considering the face he made as he was getting rejected made me think he was not going to go in the bus, but rather under it (and do they really have to make them go on the bus? Talk about getting kicked while you're down. "You just got shot down by a girl you're falling in love with, now get on this fuckin' bus. Oh, did we mention that twenty million people saw it? Get on the fucking bus!"). Poor guy. But the question I kept asking myself all season was, "Don't these people know they're going to be on television?" Gushing on tv about the "box around his heart" (or should I say, "boahx around his heaht") and going on and on about how he's falling in love with her - they told him that they were filming a tv show, right? Good lord - try to save a little face here! The good news is that he's got to turn this into something - the other dude Adam is getting his own show and he's probably gotten a thousand BJ's since the first one ended, which is about a thousand and one more than I've gotten since then (I gave myself a minus one because I actually gave a beej, but I was really fucked up and I really needed a buck for a hot dog - long story).

And last, but not certainly least, Fabio. That was Larissa's surprise? That her ex is Fabio? Right now, twenty million Americas who never would have thought of Fabio until they saw "Zoolander" again are talking about him this morning at the water cooler. If a girl I was with were to tell me that she had dated Fabio, two things would happen: first, there would be lots and lots of laughter. I mean, a lot. Then, there'd be the questions, like, "Who the hell dates Fabio?" and "How the hell did you start dating Fabio?" and "What did you two possibly talk about while you were going out?"

I can understand Gil's reaction a little bit. I would be a little irked because really, what kind of person says to themselves, "Yes, dating Fabio is something that I am interested in and would like to pursue and continue." But I think he was more pissed because he's getting Fabio's sloppy seconds. Listen Gil, I've had some pretty sketchy sloppy seconds, and Fabio's really not that bad. Trust me, it could be a lost worse.

As my final farewell to "Average Joe", I'd like to mention that my friend Bill has actually on the show this season. You may remember him from - wait, you won't remember him at all. I think he could stand next to a billboard of himself with the "Average Joe" contestants on it, wearing an "I Was on Average Joe 2 and All I Got Was This Lousy Fucking Shirt" t-shirt, holding a polaroid of him and Larissa, and people still wouldn't recognize him. Here's to Bill for getting the opportunity of a lifetime (see: Adam Mesh getting his own show) and blowing it. If it's any consolation, I still love you Bill, and you were my favorite one on the show, except for that fat guy from St. Louis who acted as if he had never before seen a girl in person.

[And sorry - no London for today. I know, I know, I stink. You don't have to tell me - my dad does every time he gets drunk, which is pretty much every time the sun goes down. I need a little more perspective before I talk about it. But it was very, very.....interesting.]

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