Everything is wrong with me
Saturday, February 14, 2004
 
Saint Valentine's Day
Few people know (or care) about the story behind Valentine's Day, which is the feast day of a saint in the Catholic church whose name was - you guessed it - Valentine.

Most theological scholars are not entirely certain as to who exactly St. Valentine was, though the consensus is that he was a priest in Rome in the third century under the emperor Claudius II. Now, good old Claudius believed that single men made much better soldiers that those who were married or engaged, so he essentially cancelled all marriages and engagements. St. Valentine continued to marry couples who were engaged and when Claudius found this out, Valentine was killed. However, while in jail awaiting execution, Valentine apparently fell in love with the jailer's daughter, and before he went to die, left her a note signed, "From your Valentine."

Fast forward seventeen hundred years. Valentine's Day is that special day a year when I get to listen to all my friends who are in relationships talk about their romantic plans, like going to the Poconos for the weekend, or going to a B&B in the Hamptons, or, well, I don't know - whatever else is considered "romantic."

Meanwhile, I, though not in a relationship right now, plan to do many romantic things this Valentine's Day. For example, I'll spend the first half of the day on LimeWire, downloading pornography. That will be followed by an intense masturbatory session. What makes this different from any other Saturday morning I wake up depressed and with a hangover, download porn, and beat off? Well, in the spirit of the holiday, I will light a candle and play soft music, something like Freddy Jackson's "You Are My Lady" or Al B. Sure's "Night and Day."

Then, I will most likely get high. I mean, SUPER high. This is more because I have to go home to Philadelphia today and deal with my family, rather than the fact that it's 2/14. I find it easier to deal with most things in life (i.e. family gatherings, christenings, first dates, driver's tests, job interviews, etc.) while under the influence. Just to take the edge off, you know?

And who knows what tonight will hold...

Well, that's a lie. I have a pretty good idea at what tonight will hold: drinking way too much wine, listening to Jeff Buckley and the Cure, and then falling asleep in the bathtub. Nothing too romantic about that.

Thank you St. Valentine.



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