Everything is wrong with me
Friday, February 13, 2004
I know this much is true: one day, I will have a nervous breakdown. I am comfortable with this, and am prepared for it. It's not really my fault. You see, my parents were divorced (queue the violins) and it's made me crazy. On Christmas Day when I was in second grade, my mom and dad got in a huge fight and my mom took my brother and sister and I to live with my grandmother. She didn't mention we'd be staying for two and a half years. So that's why every Christmas I have a seizure. I'm not sure exactly if it's a "seizure" because I only went to medical school for one year (more on this later). But I don't think there's a medical term for "sobbing uncontrollably, then passing out, then waking up and realizing that you pooped in your pants, then your slutty cousin Marie says 'Don't you get tired of doing this every year?' and you tell her 'Shut up you whore - at least I don't suck dick for pill money!' and she says 'Yeah, you just do it for free you fag!' [because you have never brought a girlfriend home for the holidays, everyone in your family thinks that this, and the fact that you can read above an eighth-grade level, makes you gay], then your mom starts crying because Christmas is ruined again and the whole room smells like poop."

So for this reason and others which will become more apparent as we move along, my breakdown is imminent. Afterwards, I imagine things will be quite different. I assume that I will be forced to leave the bling-bling world of law-firm marketing and devolve into a simplier, almost ascetic lifestyle. I can see myself haunting the rests stops of I-95, offering weary travelers hand-jobs in exchange for the small fee of $2 so that I can get a McFlurry (preferrably Butterfinger, but Oreo is a close second).

I suppose the purpose of this blog is to trace my journey from the vodka-chugging, Taco Bell-eating, sports-addicted, women-loving headcase that I am now to the handjob-giving, McFlurry-enjoying, UnaBomber beard-growing, child-frightener that I aspire to become some day.

And if you've never had a McFlurry, do yourself a favor and get one. They are delicious.

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